I looked at porn once. I was curious and I told myself it wasn’t so bad to just check it out. Wow, I get it. It hits like a ton of bricks.
It was just regular Google search variety. No CP. But of course the images of what looked like teens grabbed my attention.
It was my first time looking at porn. I grew up in a strong Christian home, so I had a lot of reinforcement for why I shouldn’t. But now was my big chance.
When the computer was finally off, I sat there a long while in the dark.
The questions came to mind:
“Why not look? Sexuality is great. Even if these young people are naive about what they are doing, shouldn’t sexuality be enjoyed and shared? What’s wrong with me diving into our shared, sexual humanity? It should be celebrated!”
Hmm… good questions, I thought, feeling myself getting shaky
But I felt something else too – sadness. Why sad?
Their faces. Those wonderful, amazing people. In my line of work, I often get the opportunity to help people who are struggling. I’m confronted with raw need expressed in emotion; people reaching for the light and hoping for just a bit of respect and care.
I know each of them are a child of God. He knows them intimately. Their sexuality is special and it belongs to them and God. Even if it’s out there, it shouldn’t be.
The answer I could stand on:
“I chose to see the person. I want to love them within my own heart, even if it means not looking at their pictures. Their sexuality doesn’t belong to me. I chose to stand alongside God in his Kingdom Come.”
I haven’t looked again. Thank you, Jesus. But, I know I must always be ready to take my stand again.