Shortly after I first discovered the Christian Pedophile website back in 2019, I was looking around online for any other Christian resources on pedophilia I might find. I came across an old post on Christian Forums from 2006. A plea for help (archive part 1, part 2) from a mother of a 16-year-old son, in a situation most people do not want to talk about:
That was 20 years ago. I was 12 years old when it was posted. All these years later, I wonder what happened to this family, and if they were able to find help. Where is that guy today? It is incredibly unlikely I will ever know. But it seems evident that his mother loved him, and I know that he needed grace and good-willed guidance. I also needed help when I was 16. The forum thread is long-since closed to further replies, so I want to write my own reply to this brave mother here, and to anyone else who finds themselves in a similar situation. May the Lord use it.
Hello, thank you for reaching out for help. This sounds like a very challenging situation, but it is far from hopeless. I should know; I was once in your son’s shoes. First, I want to reassure you that nothing you’ve described constitutes a crime, so thankfully you don’t need to deal with that side of things. Your disgust is understandable and even good in principle, but it must not be the whole picture. Obviously sexual abuse is wrong and disordered, as is sexual lust for children. Yet this young man is still your son, and he needs your help and your love right now. Since you’re posting this on a Christian forum, I’ll assume you and your son are both Christians.
It is laudable that he was willing to be honest with you, even through his fear and shame. Sadly, it is extremely difficult for young men in that situation to find help. Many people fear and hate those who have committed sexual crimes, and they funnel all of those emotions into the label “pedophile.” Although clinicians use that term for someone who is primarily sexually attracted to children, it does not help much in this context. I want to be clear, regardless of what your son may feel, pedophilia is not the only relevant thing about him now. Avoid fixating on that term.
Nobody really knows why pedophilia sometimes spontaneously occurs like this. It is not very common, but it does happen. 16 is still relatively young, and it is far too soon to say whether or not your son will develop typical sexual attraction to adult women in the future. If someone ever sexually abused him or exposed him to sexually explicit material as a boy, those experiences may have contributed to it. That being said, his current sexual attractions don’t prove the existence of anything traumatic in his past.
For now, it would be wise to discontinue babysitting. Continuing would be negligent to the safety of both your son and those girls. Not because your son is inherently untrustworthy, but simply because he needs a peaceful home environment where he can work through this. Without knowing more, I can’t say whether sexual temptation in the moment or the strong feelings of shame and fear he is carrying are the more imminent problem. But I don’t advise that he avoid children entirely, unless it is obviously necessary. Beyond that, my only immediate concern is the pictures and clothing you mentioned. That is inappropriate behavior which could easily lead him down a dark and criminal road if not curtailed. If you haven’t already, tell him to give those to you, and destroy them. You don’t need to be disparaging or vindictive about it; just be politely firm as his mother and guardian.
He needs to know – really know – that you still love him and want him as a son. He needs to know that he can still be a good, respectable, and trustworthy man. He needs to know that God still loves him, and has a good plan for his life. He needs to know that his behavior and choices – not his sexual temptations or some label – determine his character. He needs to know that even if he is a pedophile, that label doesn’t define him. He is not a “pervert”, “sex-offender”, or any other such label he may hear. He needs to know that he can be a faithful Christian no matter what temptations he struggles with.
Your son needs guidance from both you and trustworthy Christian men in how to maturely handle sexual impulses and lust. In that regard, he is quite normal. But the bigger picture here is that he needs guidance in becoming an honorable man (not to imply he isn’t). This means treating those weaker than himself with care, subordinating his natural desires for immediate gratification, and finding worthwhile relationships and pursuits to invest himself into. In other words, all of the normal things that young men need in order to flourish. Dealing with pedophilia may make some of these harder for him (and you), but certainly not impossible. As his mother, you are his primary role-model for how to earn a woman’s respect and trust. If he believes he can’t receive that no matter what he does, he will likely give up on behaving respectably for any woman.
Long-term, it is critically important that he integrates healthily into normal society. Obviously this means not committing sexual crimes or living beset by vices, but it means more than just that. Among other things, it means learning to exercise self-control and to interact with children with reasonable ease. Some tension here is inevitable; avoiding reckless temptation is right, yet this temptation is ultimately within his own heart. He must learn to face it and reject it. Children are a part of life, and perpetual avoidance of them is not a realistic or healthy solution, even if that’s what he sometimes wishes. He may even have children of his own someday. Your son is capable of loving children in purity; he knows what is wrong, and has moral agency to choose what is right. Sexual attraction to children is a distortion of what he ought to feel, but it does not need to be the primary feeling and motive he focuses on. It does not define who he is or what his life will be. In Christ, there is freedom from shame.
There are a few important questions I have: Is your son’s father in the picture? You didn’t mention him in your original post. What does your son want to happen, moving forward? Also, do you and your son attend a church regularly? If so, can you tell me about your relationship with the people there? He needs a father-figure to look up to, especially during this vulnerable time. Look for other trustworthy people in your life you can talk to. Ideally some of these will be at church, but this is not guaranteed. Ask around, but be discreet. Not everyone will understand. Because of stereotypes and statistics, some will see him as only a predator. It may be helpful for both of you to see a professional counselor, to help him work through this in a safe and guided environment. If you are not satisfied with the care and guidance your son receives, you are free to find someone else. If you and your son decide to talk to a psychiatrist, ask them first about the possible short and long-term implications of your son being diagnosed with Pedophilic Disorder. A diagnosis may or may not be helpful for him now or in the future. There is nothing wrong with him choosing not to see a psychiatrist, if he is not comfortable with it.
There is more I could say, but this reply is already long. I hope to hear more from you, and I will be praying for you.
If you need help, you can contact us anonymously through email at support@christianpedophile.org